When my spouse and I first got married, we were just starting out—fresh from college and full of excitement about the future. We were deeply in love and eager for the journey ahead, sure that it would be a smooth and joy-filled ride. But, as with any marriage, the reality turned out to be more complex. Over the past 25 years, we’ve had our fair share of challenges, and there were moments when I wasn’t sure we’d make it through.
Every marriage is unique, which is why advice from blogs or books can sometimes feel off-target. While there’s no one-size-fits-all solution, there’s plenty of wisdom to share. Here are five things I wish someone had told me before walking down the aisle.
1. “Comparison steals your joy.”
In marriage, it’s easy to compare your relationship to others, whether it’s your parents’ marriage or the marriages of friends. But remember, your relationship is uniquely yours. Comparing it to others is both unfair and unhelpful. As Theodore Roosevelt wisely said, comparison robs you of joy, shifting your focus from appreciating what you have to what you don’t. True happiness in marriage comes from embracing your partner as they are, not as you wish them to be. As Socrates said, “He who is not contented with what he has will not be contented with what he would like to have.”
2. Growth is key to a thriving marriage.
There was a time when I expected my wife to change certain things about herself, and I became frustrated when those changes didn’t happen. But eventually, I realized I had control over one thing: my own growth. When I shifted my focus from changing her to changing myself, it created a ripple effect in our relationship. Both partners contribute to the dynamics of a marriage, and growth, whether personal or relational, is vital. When you grow, your marriage grows.
3. Keep learning about your partner.
People change. You change. Your spouse changes. This should be an obvious truth, but for years, I thought I knew everything about my wife. I didn’t feel the need to continually get to know her, assuming I already knew her hopes and dreams. But after we hit a rough patch, I realized that I had stopped being curious about her. Recommit to learning about your partner’s evolving interests, fears, and goals. The more you engage, the more you’ll understand and appreciate your spouse.
4. Don’t take yourself too seriously.
Early in our marriage, I struggled with receiving criticism from my wife. I took things personally and would get defensive. But I soon realized that it wasn’t about me—it was about how she communicated, which was different from my upbringing. I came from a family where conflict was avoided, and she was used to being direct. Once I learned to laugh at myself and not take every critique personally, our communication improved dramatically. Embracing humor and being open to feedback can transform how you handle conflicts.
5. Let go of rigid household roles.
In our marriage, my wife loved working on house projects, while I wasn’t interested at all. I used to feel insecure about not fitting into the “manly” role of handling DIY tasks. But over time, I realized that my expectations about household norms were holding me back from appreciating the unique strengths my wife brought to the table. Forget about societal pressures around what men and women should do. Embrace your individual gifts, and focus on what works for both of you, whether it’s who does the laundry or who handles home repairs.
Marriage is a partnership that thrives on mutual understanding, growth, and a willingness to evolve. Embrace the journey, laugh at yourselves, and be open to change, and you’ll find that the challenges are just stepping stones to a deeper connection.
