Lower libido, creaky joints, wobbly bits, and wrinkles aren’t exactly sexy characteristics of aging. But they don’t have to get in the way of good sex.
As people live longer and enjoy better health, the number of new romances in later life has increased. People who have divorced – dubbed “silver splitters” – or been widowed aren’t content to go it alone, and sex is a big part of the equation.
In this excerpt from her new – and very candid – book, Love After 50, New York-based author Francine Russo offers a roadmap for having the best sex of your life in your later years.
You can expect a meaningful and fulfilling sexual relationship if you adjust your expectations and are willing to be open and honest with your partner.
You’re about to have the best sex of your life if you’ve found the one you want to be with. You may be wondering how that is possible. If you’re a woman, your estrogen levels have plummeted, and you’re not as adaptable as you once were.
If you’re a man, your testosterone levels have dropped. You’re slower to get and keep an erection, and muscle loss or knee problems mean you can’t have sex in all the positions you used to enjoy. This is something you and your partner must figure out together. As a result, you speak more.
You tell each other what you are and are not capable of doing, what feels good and what does not. Whatever your previous experiences have been, whether you are 50 or 80, you now have the opportunity to experience sexuality in new and profoundly satisfying ways. This is made possible by your maturity, as well as the depth of emotional intimacy you can bring to your new relationship.
Some people prefer a relationship without genital sex, which is fine. The important thing is to find a partner who shares your sentiments. Whatever you decide, loving touch will remain an important part of what binds you together: sleeping in each other’s arms, rubbing each other’s backs, holding hands, and kissing. All of these are sexual in nature. Never underestimated that.
Sex is also beneficial to one’s health. It strengthens your immune system, lowers blood pressure, and improves your sleep; it alleviates stress, depression, and anxiety. You don’t need orgasms to reap the benefits. Kissing, caressing, or sexy talk can also release endorphins.
FIXES, WORKAROUNDS, AND FLIGHTS OF IMAGINATION
Rethink your expectations if you want to have great sex after 50. Expect older bodies to behave differently than younger ones. You’ve most likely lost muscle mass. Perhaps your joints are in pain. Blood flow to the nerve endings in your genitals, both male and female, decreases with age.
Sexuality is influenced by medical issues such as heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, and others. Some medications impair sexual drive and function. Men don’t be too hard on yourself or expect to regain your former prowess. That is not going to happen.
If you’re having trouble reaching orgasm, try waves of sexual pleasure that leave you satisfied. “You’re in a different body at a different point in your life,” says physiologist Fiona Gilbert. “Have a good time. Accept this.”
GET ROMANTIC IN AND OUT OF THE BEDROOM
More than ever, sex is about more than just lust; it’s about love. So express yourself. Make use of words, gestures, and gentle eye contact. Kiss fervently. Squeeze each other’s arms. When you’re apart, send each other sweet or sexy messages.
All of this is done by a 68-year-old woman. Because she and her partner live in separate houses, they are physically separated for the majority of the time. But they feel connected no matter where they are. “I see a lot of young people who aren’t as affectionate as we are,” she says. “When we’re not together, we text all hours of the day and night.”
Couples who live together frequently connect in other ways. With intense eye contact, they convey passion. In passing, they rumple each other’s hair. They massage each other’s backs.
And whenever they feel affection, they say “I love you.” Love develops into a passion. It charges their sex and softens it. And whatever happens in the bedroom, they’re in it together, even if it ends in laughter: “Well, we tried that. Let’s have brunch.”
DEVELOP TRUST
When you sleep with someone for the first time, you expose yourself to greater risk. Love hormones flood your body during and after sex: serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin. They elicit feelings of happiness and attachment. You’re also exposing your aging body, with its inevitable limitations and scars, as you get older.
Getting naked with a new person can be frightening. You want to be confident that your partner will be gentle and nonjudgmental. Before you have sex, have an intimate conversation. “If it’s too early in a relationship to reveal things you’re embarrassed about,” therapist Lois Nightingale says, “it’s too early to have sex.” You want to know you can trust this person to be kind when you have those awkward conversations.
WHEN INFIRMITIES IMPAIR YOUR SEX LIFE, ACCEPT AND ADAPT
When you find love in your later years, you expect the usual slew of ailments: arthritis, stenosis, diabetes, heart disease, you name it. You’re aware that one of you could develop cancer. Whatever your medical condition, the illness or treatment you are receiving can have an impact on your sexual functioning.
Many men and women are unprepared to deal with these changes. Prostate cancer, for example, is usually curable and treatable. However, some couples are devastated by a loss of sexual function as a result of surgery or radiation.
Many people are dissatisfied and angry. Some couples, even those who enjoyed their sex lives prior to treatment, abandon it. That’s fine if that’s what you both want.
“No matter what solution couples seek, sensual touching is essential,” sex therapist Leslie Schover says. “The goal is to become aware of how it feels to touch your partner. You gradually incorporate giving your partner feedback on what gives you pleasure.”
REDISCOVER YOURSELF SEXUALLY
Prepare to be pleasantly surprised if you haven’t had sex in a long time. You believe that the desire has vanished. Then the right person kisses you or simply looks you in the eyes with desire, and oh my goodness, it’s back!
It may take some time to see yourself as a sexual being capable of giving and receiving pleasure if your marriage was sexless for a long time. Start over if you’ve found the right person. Make no assumptions. Allow yourself to be open to new possibilities and sensations.
