“I wanted to be a solid, empowering role model for my audience, but in reality, I felt anything but,” she writes in an excerpt from her new memoir.
Madison Beer is remembering a dark period in her life. In a new excerpt from her memoir The Half of It, the musician revealed that she considered suicide in the weeks following the release of her nude photos online and her dismissal from her label and management at the age of 16.
“Once, on a particularly heavy day, I climbed over the edge of my balcony in Los Angeles and stood there, a million thoughts running through my head as I stared down at the ground, my eyes going in and out of focus,” Beer writes in an excerpt published by People Tuesday. “I doubt I would have jumped. It was more about knowing that I could — that I could get out if things got too much. Still, I lingered for a long time, chilled by the fact that I wasn’t afraid of being so high up.”
“My little brother found me and screamed for my parents, and as I climbed back over, listening to them all freakout, I was only confused as to why they were making such a big deal out of it,” she continues. “The thought of killing myself had become so normal to me at that point that I had forgotten it wasn’t something everyone pondered on a daily basis.”
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That low point occurred as she “retreated more and more into myself” as she dealt with her mental health issues as well as difficult changes in her career and personal life. “I felt so backed into a corner that I thought the only way out was to end my life,” she writes.
Beer discusses in the excerpt how being dropped by a label prior to that moment on the balcony harmed her confidence. “I went from having an entire professional team supporting me and photo shoots on huge, shiny sets to shooting the cover for my next single with a handheld camera in my living room,” she writes.
She also writes that when she was in her “darkest years,” she was in the process of rebranding herself as a “strong, badass independent female.” “I wanted to be a solid, empowering role model for my audience, but in reality, I felt anything but,” she writes about her She Pleases EP.
“It took years for me to be able to proudly call myself a songwriter.” The most incredible aspect of gaining confidence as an artist was finally feeling like my music was connecting with my audience. “I was actually releasing music that I was proud of,” she continues. “After years of bending myself to other people’s wills, I was finally doing what I wanted, slowly discovering myself and my own sound independent of outside opinion.”
I had a long road ahead of me, but I was making progress. A path that felt promising.”
Beer announced the publication of her book on social media in February, saying she wanted to “reintroduce myself” to it. The title page includes a dedication to Beer’s mother, father, and brother, as well as a dedication to “the Younger Madison I’m writing this about — thank you for getting me here.” I hope I did you proudly.”
